Pieces
by SydneyAlice
Summary: IndieTwiFic Award Winner for Best New Moon Story - Edward leaves his heart behind and embarks on a journey full of solitude and regret. He finds solace when Bella begins to haunt his daydreams. Edward's lost months in NM.
1. Prologue

**Author's Note: I've always wondered what Edward was doing during his months away in **_**New Moon**_**. Stephenie Meyer told us just a little about that time, but the rest was left to our imaginations. So I've decided to let my imagination run wild. Here are Edward's lost months in New Moon. One chapter for each month he was away, so this will be a short story, because frankly, I can't stand the depression for too long. **

**The story begins when he leaves Bella alone in the woods, and my story ends when she finds him in Italy. I won't attempt to write the original story in his POV because some very fine writers have already done that. These are just the missing months. I will be using elements of Stephenie's outtakes from the book which can be found on her official website. I will be sure to credit her when those scenes are used. Direct quotes from **_**New Moon**_** will be in italics.**

**Disclaimers: This prologue is short. The chapters will be longer. **_**New Moon**_** belongs to Stephenie Meyer. The title of this story is taken from the song "Pieces" by Red. Thanks to my beta for recommending it.**

* * *

_**Prologue**_

_

* * *

_

I am going to burn in hell.

I will deserve each and every lick of the flames as they turn my worthless, hollow corpse into a pile of ashes. No one, not even a soulless monster like me, should expect anything less after the blasphemous lies that have just escaped my marble lips.

"_I don't want you to come with me."_

"_You're not good for me."_

"_It will be as if I'd never existed."_

I hover in the towering spruce tree, watching over her as she staggers through the forest, repeatedly screaming my name and searching in vain for my footprints. Her voice quakes with each desperate plea.

"Edward!!! Edward!!!"

I moan in despair as I watch her legs collapse, and she falls against the cold, damp forest floor.

I deserve this punishment, as well. I force myself to remain still. To watch the visual evidence that proves that I am, indeed, a monster.

She doesn't appear to be injured as she curls into a ball and allows the agony to overtake her. My entire body convulses - the magnetic pull so strong that I almost forget why I made this choice.

She needs me.

God, I need her.

My brain screams at me, urging me to go to her. I want, so desperately, to go to her. To take away the pain I've inflicted. To gather her in my arms and beg for her forgiveness.

I listen to her mournful sobs as I begin to negotiate with myself.

We can move away. Far away from any danger that may present itself because of my presence in her life. I would miss my family, and she would miss hers, but we would be together.

And then I remember –

The danger is _me_.

The incident with Jasper – a simple papercut – had proven to be the catalyst I needed to finally acknowledge that my very existence is keeping her in jeopardy. I had become overconfident – almost arrogant – in regards to the perils of my world. Convincing myself I could always protect her. Believing that my kind could ignore our primal natures and simply love her and treat her as one of the family.

My brother – who adored her - had wanted to kill her as soon as that single drop of blood had fallen onto the carpet. He'd craved her. He had wanted to drain her dry. I could hardly fault him for such behavior. Hadn't I, not less than a year ago, wished for the same?

As I watch her drift off to sleep against the soggy ground, I contemplate her future without me. She will forget me, eventually. The love she feels for me is no where near comparable to my eternal feelings for her. Her emotions for me are young and fleeting. Human memories become clouded with time, and the pain of this night will someday be forgotten. Bella will move on with her life. She will marry someone. She will have his children. While these two scenarios cause an intense jolt of jealousy to slice through me like a knife through my stomach, I understand that this is what I want for her. She _deserves_ these things - those precious moments and milestones that I would be taking away from her if I remain a constant in her life. Bella is much too young and stubborn to realize that, in time, she will resent me for not providing her with everything life has to offer. I have seen the sadness on my mother's and sister's faces each time they come in contact with a human child. It is the one aspect of human life they miss the most, and I will not deny Bella the pleasure of motherhood.

But most importantly, I will not endanger her life.

Not anymore.

Her next birthday will be spent surrounded my friends and family – individuals who can hold her hand and offer a Band-Aid if she repeats the papercut incident. Not ferocious immortals who crave the sweet taste of her blood. I will keep my promise.

"_It will be as if I'd never existed."_

It is hours later when the aroma of werewolf permeates my nostrils. I whip my head around, ready to throw caution to the wind and protect her from another type of monster that lurks in our forests. Moments later, I stare below as Sam Uley pulls Bella into his arms. I watch as her tiny arms entwine around his neck, and the skin on my neck twitches with envy. His nostrils flare, and I know he can smell my presence. He sniffs Bella's clothes and shudders lightly, concluding that her attire is the cause of the offensive aroma. His thoughts confirm that he is here as a favor to Charlie, and I watch as he carries my whole heart out of the thickness of the forest, taking the trail that will lead them back to the Swan residence.

I am rooted to my spot in the giant spruce, afraid to leave. Afraid to separate myself from my very last connection to her. I gaze in agony at the spot on the ground where she had laid only moments before. Now that I am truly alone, I succumb to my guilt. My Shame. My misery. It tears through me like the wildest of storms, ripping at my heart and leaving nothing but destruction in its path. I roar fiercely – sending the night owls scurrying from their homes in the trees.

When her scent is finally washed away by the rain, I spring from the trees and dash with urgency through the rainforest. I run until I hit the Canadian border. I stop just short of the Pacific Ocean and peer at it with untamed fury. Even the ocean is worthless to me. I wish I could dive right in and allow the water to flood my lungs, effectively ending the misery of which I have chosen to subject myself. Agonized, I snap my eyes closed and screech into the blackened night.

_Love. Life. Meaning._

_Over._

* * *

**Okay, so here's the thing. I've been cautioned that this story may not be interesting to my readers who are used to my fluff and romance. This won't be a fun read, at all. It's going to be sad and depressing, but I hope, fairly original. I've pointedly **_**not**_** searched for stories related to Edward's lost months. I'm sure they are out there and that they are wonderful. I just want to stay unaware and write my own thing.**

**So here's my question to you. Is this worth continuing? Remember – it's going to be a short read. One chapter for each month he is away. And the chapters will be longer than this prologue. Should I keep going? Be honest, because really, what's the point in writing if no one wants to read it?**

**Thanks!**

**SydneyAlice**


	2. September

**AN: The encouragement I've received to continue this angst fest has been wonderful. Thank you. ****My Cullens sometimes have potty mouths. I know that's OOC as far as SM is concerned, so I thought I'd warn you.**

**Because I'm a music fanatic, each chapter will be introduced with song lyrics.**

**Disclaimers: Stephenie Meyer owns **_**New Moon**_**. Other disclaimers at the end.**

* * *

_Here comes the rain again, falling from the stars_

_Drenched in my pain again, becoming who we are_

_As my memory rests, but never forgets what I lost_

_Wake me up when September ends_

"_Wake Me Up When September Ends" ~ Green Day_

* * *

**SEPTEMBER**

Obliviou_s _to the beautiful Alaskan scenery around me, I follow the path that will lead me to my family. They are awaiting my arrival, expecting a logical explanation.

Yet again, I am sure to disappoint them.

I am far from coherent.

The Denali Wilderness had always been a sort of sanctuary – offering solitude whenever I needed an escape from the voices in my head or when I found myself battling with my inner demons. It was the perfect setting and always complemented the dark moods that brought me here.

Abandoned and alone. Desolate and barren.

It perfectly described this land.

It perfectly described me.

I remember my last trip here – seeking solace from the delectable floral scent and brilliant chocolate-brown eyes that had permeated my senses from the moment she had walked into that classroom. I had fled to Alaska, then, as well. Left my home and family behind in my foolish attempt to alter Alice's vision.

_Alice._

Alice would never forgive me. Of this, I was certain.

A vision of Alice and Bella – gold eyes and pale skin with arms entwined – floods my senses, and the shock and clarity of the image nearly brings me to my knees.

I was forcing my sister to choose between her best friend and her brother.

No, she would never forgive me.

I came upon a clearing and my mind was suddenly flooded with an ambush of emotional voices.

_Alice: He's a fool if he thinks she can survive without us._

_Rosalie: I'm glad the bratty human is finally out of our hair._

_Esme: My son's heart is broken._

_Jasper: Edward will never forgive me._

_Emmett: If he's not here in ten minutes, I'm going out to look for him._

_Carlisle: We must listen to and respect Edward's wishes._

It was sensory overload after twenty-four hours of silence, but I knew I had no choice. They loved her, as well. She was another daughter. Another sister. And they deserved an explanation. I would look into their loving eyes and offer my reasons. I would tell them I loved them.

And then - because I deserved no less - I would leave them behind, too.

* * *

"You look like hell," Rosalie's voice sang as she welcomed me into the log-style cottage. Ignoring her uncharacteristically cheerful demeanor, I pushed my way inside and found my family waiting in the dining room. They were stationed around the mahogany table. Rose took her place next to Emmett, and the image of each member of my family sitting with their companions - mate with mate - sent a tremor through my body. I gasped for unnecessary air as my stomach lurched in anguish.

"Son…" Carlisle's voice was soft as he dashed to my side – his hand on my shoulder. I closed my eyes and attempted to steady myself. The thoughts of my family echoed in my mind, each of them tortured to see me in this condition.

Well, almost all of them.

"Please…" Rosalie snorted. "All this drama for an insignificant human. What the fuck is your problem, Edward? This was your decision, you selfish bastard. And now, because of you, we've had to leave our home and come to this God forsaken wilderness!"

Esme shot her a pointed look as Alice hissed. But I couldn't deny it.

"I am a selfish bastard," I whispered weakly.

Carlisle examined me carefully, his eyes scrutinizing my features. "Edward, have you hunted?"

I shook my head.

"You should do that while we're here," he cautioned. "I know it hasn't been long since we hunted, but excessive thirst can make you deranged. I know you have…other things on your mind right now. But don't forget to feed, Edward."

My father had no way of knowing that I was already crazy. Blood from a wild animal would do nothing for my sanity.

He led me to the empty seat next to my mother. She grabbed my hand and held it tightly in her own. The gesture was meant to soothe me. But all it did was remind me of another set of hands I'd never touch again, and I abruptly jerked my hand away. I stared straight ahead, my eyes focusing on nothing.

My darling sister was the first to break the silence.

"She won't survive without you," Alice whispered meekly, her eyes in her lap. "I know you told me not to look into her future, but that doesn't mean I don't see it."

My head snapped up. "Why? What did you see?"

"I thought you said you didn't care," Alice accused with a smirk. Before she and the rest of my family had left Forks, I had made her promise not to peek into Bella's future. We had caused enough trouble, and I didn't want my sister meddling in Bella's life.

"I **never** said I didn't care!" My fist pounded on the table, causing splinters to erupt beneath the force.

"Finally! Some emotion!" Alice's nostrils flared as her eyes grew wide with anticipation. "Would it send you running back to Forks if I tell you that Bella _wants _to die? That she has no intentions of ever pulling herself up from that cold, hard, bedroom floor? That she never plans to go back to school or even leave the house?"

"What did you see, Alice?" I repeat evenly.

"I saw absolutely _nothing_, Edward! Because that's what she's going to be. A hollow shell of the girl you left behind! She cannot breathe without you. I know you think her feelings are ridiculously human and have no way of comparing to yours, but that's where you're sadly mistaken. You left her! You made us leave her! Made **me** leave her! She was our family, too. But most of all, you have broken her heart and her spirit! Don't you _get_ that?"

My body shuddered as her words washed over me. It was true. Every single word.

"She could have died, Alice!" My eyes found Jasper's pained expression. "Jasper, I'm sorry. I know you blame yourself…."

"Of course I do," Jasper murmured tiredly. "Words cannot express how sorry I am, Edward. I know how important she is to you, and I'm sorry for forcing you to make this choice. I even spoke with Alice about it. We would be happy to leave the family if it means you can be with Bella. We would miss all of you, of course. But your happiness is what's important. I am happy anywhere as long as Alice is by my side. Let us do this for you so that you can be with your mate."

"Jasper," I explained quietly. "You are not the danger. Don't you see? It wouldn't matter if you lived on the other side of the world. Bella will always be in danger because of what I am!"

"Perhaps that's true." Esme – who had been quiet thus far - surprised me by agreeing. "But I think we've all forgotten a very important detail."

"Which detail?" Carlisle wondered.

My teeth snapped as an image of Bella with glowing eyes appeared in Esme's mind.

"It's what she wants," Esme whispered calmly to me. "She's told me on more than one occasion. She wants you, Edward. And if that means becoming one of us, then she is more than willing to pay that price."

I shook my head sadly. "That's not the answer. That….that would be a tragedy. I will not do that to her."

"But if it means you can be together….." Emmett's voice murmured. "Isn't it worth it? You wouldn't be tempted by her blood. She wouldn't be chased by lunatics like James. She could take her rightful place in our family. Everybody wins."

"Everyone except her," I whisper.

"I didn't mind so much," Emmett shrugged. "I gave up a life of steak and potatoes and disease and certain death. And in exchange, I have Rose and immortality. It's not a bad life, bro. Why are you fighting this?"

"Because he's a moron," Rosalie snapped. "I mean, the girl gets on my last nerve, and I am in no hurry to welcome her to the family, but she's obviously…..the one, I guess. You've searched the planet for a hundred years and finally found her. Right? That's what you keep telling us."

"I don't expect you to understand, Rosalie," I grunted with fury. "I don't expect any of you to understand."

"Well, hell, I don't have to be a psychic to know that Bella's heart is broken," Emmett grunted. "But I'm more concerned with you, bro. I mean, how the hell do you plan on surviving without her? Can you _do_ that?"

"No," I answered honestly.

"You're leaving us." Alice murmured accusingly and every head at the table snapped in her direction.

My shoulders slumped in defeat. "Yes."

"That's not necessary," my mother's voice was coaxing. "If you insist on going through this life alone, at least spend it with your family. Let us take care of you."

"I can't be with anyone right now," I explained. "And I don't wish for you to see me like this. It will only bring you pain, and I've caused enough of that."

"Will you at least keep in touch? Let us know you're okay?" Carlisle asked quietly.

I nodded. It was the least I could do.

"Carlisle, I do have a favor. I know I have no right to ask…."

My father shook his head. "Whatever you need, son. You know that."

"It's not for me," I explained quietly. "Not directly for me, anyway. It's for Bella. It's very important to me that….that she never _want _for anything. We'd recently started to discuss college, and I don't want finances to be a determining factor…" My eyes bore into my father's, and he nodded his head in understanding.

"You know how proud she is," I reminded him. "If she even suspects the money is from me…."

"Of course," he nodded. "I will take care of everything, son." His mind began listing the steps in organizing such a discreet arrangement, but I ignored the details. All that mattered was that Bella would be taken care of.

"Thank you."

The room grew silent, and after a few pointed looks between my brothers and sisters, I decided it was time to go. I stood abruptly. Within seconds, each member of my family – even Rosalie – enveloped me in their arms, and I allowed them to believe they were providing comfort to me.

"I love you all," I whispered faintly. "And I'm sorry. I just….I just need to be alone for now. I hope you can try to understand."

With one last look at the family I loved so much, I turned and walked out of the kitchen.

"I can't see where you're headed," Alice mumbled as she followed me out the door.

"That's probably because I don't know where I'm going."

"Edward," she whispered sadly as she took my hand in hers. "You are my brother. I love you."

I turned to face her, and her expression caused my heart to break just a bit more. "I love you, too, Alice."

"But you can't live without her. You won't survive on your own. Just like she won't survive without you. You know that, don't you? Edward, she's…..she's not going to be well. I don't have to see her future to know that much. I don't trust her. She could get hurt…."

"She promised me she wouldn't do anything reckless," I whispered, images of a bruised and battered Bella sifting through my psyche. The visuals caused my throat to constrict, and I shook my head to erase them from my mind's eye. "She promised me that she'd take care of herself. I trust her to keep that promise."

"Then you're a fool," Alice hissed.

I sighed wearily.

"Fine! Let's say she keeps her promise – which she _won't._ But let's say she does. What about you, Edward? You know what this means. An eternity of solitude! Is that what you want? Another century of walking this earth without _her_ by your side?"

Her words cut through me like ice.

"You know that's not what I want," I whispered shakily.

"She'll never love again," Alice murmured with certainty. "Bella has been just as altered as you have, Edward. You think she'll forget you with time, but that isn't going to happen. Just because she's mortal doesn't mean she can't love you eternally. Sure, in time, she may become so lonely that she allows someone else into her life, but he will _always _be second best. You think you're being so self-sacrificing and noble, when really, all you're doing is sentencing both of you to a lifetime of misery."

"But at least she'll have a life," I reminded her gently. "A life free from monsters and constant peril. That's all I want."

"What about what _she_ wants?"

Bella's words from the night of our prom suddenly echoed in my brain.

_I dream about being with you forever._

"She doesn't want this," I murmured darkly. "No one would simply _choose_ this life. She doesn't understand…"

"You know," Alice's eyes were blazing. "You don't give her enough credit. Someday, you're going to see that Bella is much smarter than you think she is. Someday, you'll realize that she understands _exactly _what she wants. She wants you!"

I closed my eyes and leaned close, kissing my sister on the forehead. I was tired of arguing. I was tired of everything.

"I love you, little sister."

"You can't do this…" she whispered as I turned my back and walked numbly down the steps of the cabin. "You can't survive without her."

I walked slowly through the snow-covered field, and her melancholy thoughts became softer as the distance grew between us. Her last words echoed in my ears.

_You can't survive without her._

I smiled ruefully as I realized just how much I was counting on that.

* * *

**Disclaimers: Some nods to **_**Midnight Sun**_** were used here, including the explanation behind Edward's previous trip to Alaska. If you've read the extras for **_**New Moon, **_**you know that Edward had arranged for Bella to receive a "scholarship" in her bank account each month. That part of the story was cut out of the final draft of **_**New Moon**_**. I liked it, so I used it here. If you haven't read **_**Midnight Sun**_** or the extras for **_**New Moon**_**, you can find them on Stephenie Meyer's official website.**

**As Alice says, "Show me the love…" and leave a review. Thank you!**


	3. October

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns **_**New Moon**_**.**

* * *

_Louder, louder the voices in my head_

_Whispers taunting, all the things you said_

_Faster the days go by and I'm still_

_Stuck in this moment of wanting you here_

"_Haunted" ~ Kelly Clarkson_

* * *

OCTOBER

Each day was like the last. Excruciating, agonizing misery.

Thirty days had passed since I had left Bella behind. I'd been arrogant in believing that I could do this.

I'd assumed that I had been prepared for the mind-numbing solitude that would haunt me each and every day for the rest of my existence. I'd lived through it once before – I'd rebelled soon after my creation, leaving Carlisle behind and severing all ties with the only people on the planet who cared about me. But after ten years, I found myself missing the companionship and home that Carlisle and Esme offered, and I'd returned home like the prodigal son. They accepted me, of course. With no questions asked, I had been granted forgiveness.

Bella would not be so merciful, nor should she be. And that realization is the only thing that kept me away from her window.

I had struggled this past month, trying to distance myself from my family and from Bella, hoping thousands of miles between us would somehow strengthen my resolve to do the right thing. With each footstep, I only became more wavering in my decision.

How was I to spend the rest of my life without her if I couldn't even make it thirty days?

_You can't survive without her._

Alice's words weaved themselves into my psyche – taunting and accusing. I could see my sister's face in my mind. Her eyes scrunched; her mouth pouting. Telling me she told me so.

When my subconscious Alice was finished condemning me, another pair of beautiful eyes – the only eyes that mattered in the world – would flood my mind and continue my torture. Bella's eyes – once filled with love and true acceptance – now glared at me with such hatred that, on more than one occasion, it had caused me to stop in my tracks and curl into a fetal position, giving her silent permission to enact her punishment. Her voice was always cold and calculated, blaming me for breaking her heart and destroying her future. I never defended myself. I never begged for her mercy. I knew I had no right to do so. I was so out of mind with lunacy that I was truly satisfied just to hear the sound of her voice. So I let it assault me.

I'd refused to hunt since my self-imposed exile. I knew Carlisle was right. Excessive hunger could cause our kind to become unhinged over time. I had been deranged since the moment I left Bella behind in those dark, cold woods. Insanity was part of my penance. I would accept it gladly as a constant reminder of what I had left behind.

Foolishly believing that a new continent would make a difference, I found myself in England. Our family had many homes throughout the world, and the castle in Somerset was just one of many. We had lived here just prior to our move to Alaska – the move that would eventually lead us to Forks. The castle had been deserted since our departure, but our family tended to revisit old stomping grounds whenever a bit of anonymity was necessary. I'm sure they will return here someday.

Aching for some tangible proof that I'd once had a family, I staggered to the castle's entrance. Somehow, I'd had enough foresight to carry my keys with me, and I fumbled with the ancient lock on the castle door. Pushing open the door, I stumbled inside and was surprised to find the castle in immaculate order. Obviously, despite our absence, Esme had insisted on maintaining the castle's appeal, and the groundskeepers and wait staff were obviously still employed. The castle was quiet today, however, and I found myself thankful to be alone with my thoughts – as miserable and painful as they may be.

My eyes scanned the room and immediately settled on the parlor – the room which had become a favorite of mine all those years ago. I weaved my way through the entry and leaned against the arch of the doorway.

Standing proudly in the middle of the room was my pristine white grand piano.

Like a moth to a flame, I found myself drawn to the instrument. I stealthily walked toward the piano, sitting down carefully upon the bench. I lifted the cover and ran my fingers along the keys, I pressed one. And then another.

Naturally, the piano was in perfect tune.

Without making a conscious decision to do so, my fingers trailed along the keys, and the song that escaped my fingers caused a deep, piercing stab to penetrate my soul. It was torture, playing her lullaby. Memories assaulted my senses as I closed my onyx eyes and recalled the first time I played it for her in my home. The first night I hummed it to her while she slept peacefully in my cold arms. The many, many nights after that – when I would climb through her window and pull her against my chest, humming the tune in her ear, as she sighed and pressed her soft, warm body closer to me. Granting me permission to hold her. Allowing me the privilege of loving her.

Overcome with emotion, I stilled my fingers and choked back a sobless moan.

"Don't stop," her voice whispered, causing my head to snap to attention. My eyes darted around the room, seeking her out. The voice was too distinct. Too close. Finding the room empty, I gingerly pressed another white key. I couldn't contain my smile when I heard her sweet sigh. I felt a soft breeze on my frozen skin, and like a magnet, my body leaned into the sensation.

"You play so beautifully," Bella murmured peacefully. My eyes flashed open as I felt her take her place next to me on the bench. I swiftly turned my head and felt my heart unclench for the first time in over a month.

She was by my side, smiling at me, encouraging me to continue playing. Her image was shimmering white – much like the long, ivory gown she was wearing. I idly thought that Alice must have dressed her for the occasion because that particular item of clothing wasn't something Bella would have chosen for herself. Her hair was down – long, mahogany waves cascading down her shoulders. My fingers could imagine the texture of each curl, and I ached to touch just one.

Yes, it was madness.

No, I didn't care.

"You're here," I breathed faintly, knowing she could hear me.

Bella smiled and ran her slender fingers along the keys. "I couldn't bear to stay away. I love to hear you play. You know that."

"I'll play for you – every second of every day – if it means you'll never leave me."

"But you left _me_," she whispered sadly, that familiar ache returning to my heart as she continued trailing her hand along the keyboard. "Don't you love me anymore?"

"More than my own life," I murmured gently. My hand on the keys crept silently toward hers, eager to close the distance between us. Her soft hand sparkled against the white keys, and I heard her relieved sigh when my fingers finally entwined with hers.

_Home_.

"You made it look so easy," she whimpered in defeat, taking my fingers and pressing each to one of the black keys. The tune became melancholy, and I allowed her to lead our song. I was lost in the sensation of her hand in mine, and I closed my eyes in quiet reverence.

"It was the hardest thing I've done in my century of existence. Never doubt that, my love."

Suddenly, her hands stilled as her head fell upon my shoulder. The scent of strawberries wafted my nostrils, and I drowned in the aroma, letting it wash over me and ground me in this moment.

"Please come home," she whispered faintly. "I can't breathe without you. Everything is so dark without you here. Everything hurts…"

"I _want_ to come home," I choked unevenly. But I want to keep you safe, Bella. If something were to ever happen to you…." My voice trailed off as I tortured myself with that possibility.

"So this is your solution," Bella murmured softly. Her voice wasn't angry or accusing. It was almost….accepting. That realization cut me to the bone. I much preferred her fury to this quiet acceptance. "This is your answer. To divide us. To drive yourself insane in an attempt to alleviate your guilt and to keep me safe. To slowly drive me mad before the misery completely stops my heart."

"That won't happen," I whispered fearfully. "You can't die of a broken heart, Bella."

"Watch me…" Her voice engulfed my soul, and I watched as her shimmering image floated out of my sight.

"Bella…." Weakly, I scurried off the bench. "Please…come back…." I rushed through every room in the castle, screaming her name, searching in vain for something that had never been there in the first place. Her name echoed off the castle walls and taunted me, reminding me that I had made my choice. I had agreed to live my life without her. Without the softness of her skin. Without the sweetness of her voice. Without the calming power of her love.

"Bella…." I repeated feebly before I allowed the depression to swallow me whole. With a deafening growl, I threw my body against the stone slabs and slithered down the wall, wrapping my arms around my knees and curling into a ball.

I let the misery engulf me.


	4. November

Disclaimer: SM owns _New Moon_. The scholarship plotline is taken from the New Moon extras on SM's official website.

**A day is like year**

**When you're no longer here**

**I just want to be near my love**

"**One Day Without" ~ Keren Ann**

**NOVEMBER**

The passage of time meant nothing to me as I traveled back to the United States. I was sure the fall foliage in Appalachia was beautiful. I _thought _I was in Tennessee. Perhaps North Carolina. It mattered very little. I remained numbly unaware of my surroundings as I struggled to put one foot in front of the other. I was beyond the point of hunger and thirst, but I remained staunch in my punishment.

I had destroyed her. I would destroy me.

I had remained in the castle for the past month, hopeful that Bella's ghost would find me again. I had played piano twenty-four hours a day, everyday, hoping for just a glimpse of her face or the sound of her voice in my ear. I would play Beethoven. Mozart. Lizst. And when I really wanted to torture myself, I would play her lullaby. Every last note of the composition would pierce my frozen heart and I would be inundated with memories of our life together – of the life we _could_ have had together.

But Bella's ghost was rendering her own form of punishment.

She never returned.

Out of desperation for her and out of a yearning for my family, I had begun making sporadic phone calls to my parents and siblings. The conversation was always the same. They missed me. They loved me. They wanted me to come home. I would barrage Alice with questions, clinging to the hope that she had ignored my request to stay out of Bella's life. She always remained tight-lipped, always reminding me that _this_ is what I had wanted. It was excruciating, but I deserved no less. I also took a small comfort in realizing that if Bella had been in danger, nothing would have stopped Alice from racing to her side. Since my sister and Jasper were supposedly in Spain, I assumed she was safe and sound.

As I stumbled through the Appalachian trail, my body tensed as I smelled the aroma of a white-tailed deer. I didn't even realize what I had done until I found myself crouched on the ground with the deer carcass draped over my arms. I had drained him dry without any rational decision to do so.

"You're so weak," I spat pathetically to myself, tossing the offensive remains away with a brush of my hand, sending it spiraling down the rocky, mountain terrain. I closed my eyes and, with admittedly more strength than I'd had in months, I quickly climbed the nearest oak tree, settling myself onto the thickest branch.

Out of habit, I reached into my pocket for my cell phone. Thankfully, the electricity in the castle had allowed me to charge the phone. I didn't use it much. Just to call home periodically and – like an addict – to listen to previous voice mails from Bella. Her voice always affected me the same way – filling me with a desperate desire to rush home and beg for her forgiveness.

I hadn't turned on the phone since I left England. Eager for any link to my past, I pushed the green power button. I was surprised to see the phone still had a full battery life.

Almost immediately, the phone vibrated.

I noticed the caller ID and rolled my eyes.

"You are _such_ a psychic, Alice. I had just barely turned it on…"

"Oh my God, he's answering his phone!" My sister scolded from the other side of the phone. "Why aren't you answering my calls? Are you checking your voice mails? This has all become so completely ridiculous. Your family is in turmoil without you. You're starving yourself. Wasn't that deer good, by the way? And Bella's being tracked by Victoria…"

My eyes snapped open. "Victoria?"

"Yes," she sounded almost amused. "I thought that might get your attention. Bella had a visitor yesterday. The girl is a magnet for trouble, and she went looking for it in your meadow."

Our meadow. Bella had gone to our meadow.

And with that realization, my question was answered. Alice had ignored my wishes. She had been watching out for Bella.

And I was grateful.

"Is she…." My throat constricted in terror. "Alice, is she alright?"

"She's fine," Alice replied stiffly. "Although, I have no idea how she survived. Laurent's plan was solid…"

I growled into the receiver as Alice relayed the entire situation. Laurent was sent to Forks to see if Bella was still under my family's protection. I trembled, wondering just how pleased he was when he realized we had deserted her.

"Victoria's orders?" I grimly wondered aloud.

"One would assume," Alice muttered. "But Bella is alive and well. Like I said, I don't know the details or why Laurent left her alive. But she's fine."

"Thank you," I breathed into the phone.

Alice snorted. "You're such a hypocrite, Edward. _Don't watch her future, Alice._ But you love that I'm keeping tabs on her. Admit it."

I didn't have to admit anything. She knew I was indebted to her stubbornness. 

"Carlisle would like to speak with you. You should call him."

"I will," I promised.

I tried to focus on her rambling as she told me about their vacation in Madrid. Jasper was doing so well being surrounded by tourists everyday, and in spite of my wallowing, I was proud of my brother. After once again begging me to "stop being an ass," I pushed end and dialed Carlisle's number.

"It's so good to hear from you, son." His voice was soft, attempting to comfort the frayed nerves flowing through my body.

"Carlisle," I offered in greeting.

"We miss you, Edward."

"And I miss you."

Carlisle sighed at my lack of conversation. "Have you spoken with your siblings?"

"I spoke with Alice just moments ago. She says Jasper is handling the vacation quite well."

"That's good to hear," he smiled through the phone. "Emmett and Rosalie are somewhere in Europe. I can't keep track of them, and you know how they can become….preoccupied with each other. Esme and I are in Tuscany, enjoying the villa."

The next few minutes consisted of Carlisle asking me mundane questions. Where am I? Am I eating? Am I well? Would I consider coming home?

He groaned as I honestly answered each of them.

After a few moments of silence, he whispered. "I'm sure you're interested in the financial matter we spoke of when we were gathered in Alaska?"

I snapped to attention. "Yes?"

Carlisle chuckled at my sudden excitement. He could tell I was desperate for any mention of her name. "Well, I discreetly arranged everything, just as you requested. Bella is the recipient of the prestigious _J Nicholls Scholarship_ bestowed upon her by the Pacific Northwest Trust.

Bogus names. Both of them.

"J Nicholls?"

"A childhood friend from my days in London."

"Ahh."

"Bella was to be allotted a lump sum of $20,000 in October. $5,000 each month thereafter until she graduates college. And the scholarship is also designed to cover tuition to graduate school, if she chooses to attend."

I breathed a sigh of relief. Carlisle had been more than generous with the dollar amounts. Bella would never want for anything.

"Wait. What you mean – Bella _was_ to be allotted?"

Carlisle cleared his throat. "There's….uh…a slight issue, as you might expect. This is Bella, after all…"

"Of course there is," I groaned. "What's the issue?"

Carlisle laughed. "Well, Bella received her first disbursement last month. I had the funds wired directly into her checking account."

"Very clever," I replied. There was little chance Bella could connect me with the money.

"Yes, well…" his voice trailed off. "You probably won't be surprised to find that our home in Forks now has a gaping hole where our front window used to be. It seems the recipient returned your generous scholarship. I didn't bother repairing the damage. I assumed she'd need another drop-off box for next month's installment."

I growled with fury. "She isn't using the money?"

"I'm afraid not. There is $20,000 scattered throughout our living room, and she has closed her account at the bank. I plan to mail a check directly to her. I fully expect her to return that installment just as she returned the first, but I made you a promise, and I intend to keep it. Bella is a very smart woman, Edward. It didn't take her long to figure out the true identity of her generous benefactor."

I pressed my fingers a little too tightly against the bridge of my nose. "She is the most stubborn girl I've ever known in my century of walking this planet. Isn't there something you can do, Carlisle? Give the money to Charlie? Anything?"

"I will do whatever you wish, Edward. If writing a check to Charlie Swan will alleviate your guilt, I will be on his doorstep first thing in the morning."

"This has nothing to do with my guilt!" I choked. "I just want to know that she's taken care of!"

"Bella needs more than money to be taken care of," Carlisle whispered. "Money was never important to her, Edward. You know that. She valued the important things. Family. Love. Honesty. Money was of very little importance to her."

"This is all I can give her," I whimpered hoarsely. "And she won't let me…."

"Did you expect anything less?" My father asked sadly. "She is a stubborn creature. You're both very similar in that regard. You both refuse to let people help you. You won't let the people who love you take care of you."

"It's not the same," I mumbled weakly. "My life isn't at stake, Carlisle."

"Oh, my dear son," his voice was trembling with emotion. "I disagree. Your life is very much hanging in the balance while you teeter between madness and desperation. You are not well, Edward. I can hear it in your voice. You are in agony, and it pains me to hear how much you're hurting. I understand your reasons, but I must admit I'd much prefer

to see Bella with crimson eyes than to hear this agony in your voice for the rest of your existence. I am afraid that I am going to lose my son."

I had allowed myself to be selfish during this self-imposed exile. I thought about my family often, but I would never allow myself to take the blame for their sadness. It was no coincidence that my siblings were scattered in different countries. My family was splintered, and I was to blame.

"I am sorry, Carlisle. Please tell Esme I love her."

He sighed regretfully, sensing this was the end of the conversation. "I will. When will you call again?"

"Soon," I vowed.

I then pressed the power button on the phone, effectively breaking my only connection to the outside world.

"He's right you know," her voice drifted through the breeze. I whipped my head around to see Bella standing just below, staring up through the branches of the tree.

"You came back," I whispered. I was just about to leap to the ground when, suddenly, she was sitting beside me on an adjacent branch.

"This brings back memories," she smiled sweetly at me as she motioned toward the tree, and my heart soared in my chest. She was here. She was sitting right next to me. "Do you remember the last time we sat together in a tree?"

"I do," I whispered gently. "I remember everything about us. Every single second. Those were the happiest days of my life."

"Mine too," she smiled wistfully. "But Carlisle is right, you know. You are being so stubborn about all of this."

"I'm not the only one," I argued stupidly with her angelic vision. Why was I arguing with her when I had no idea how long she'd stay this time? "Bella, why won't you accept the money?"

"I don't want your money. I only want you."

"Money is all I can give…"

"That's not true," Bella's voice whispered in the breeze. "You can give me everything I've ever wanted. You can give me a family. You can give me forever. You can give me you. But you don't want me…."

"Never say that!" I bellowed so loud that my voice echoed off the mountains. "I want you more than you could ever know."

"You're going to let her kill me," Bella's voice reminded me. "She's coming for me, you know. How could you leave me unprotected?"

Terror engulfed my body as I contemplated her words. Victoria _had_ sent Laurent.

"She'll never touch you," I spat angrily, fury causing my fists to clench.

"_He_ already did," Bella murmured softly, and I knew she was speaking of Laurent. "He didn't hurt me, though. And he won't be bothering me again. But she _will_ return. And there will be nothing I can do. Nothing _anyone_ can do…"

I whimpered as I reached into the air, insanely reaching for something that I knew wasn't truly there.

And like a wisp of wind, she was gone.


	5. December & January

Disclaimer: SM owns _New Moon. I highly suggest doing a Google search for this chapter's song so you can read the lyrics. Better yet, just download the song. It's so beautiful. It's from Sarah McLachlan's Christmas CD called Wintersong._

* * *

The lake is frozen over  
The trees are white with snow  
And all around  
Reminders of you  
Are everywhere I go

"_Wintersong" – Sarah McLachlan_

* * *

DECEMBER & JANUARY

Winter's fury unleashed on most of the country in the early weeks of December. I found myself numb to the cold. I was oblivious to the bitter winds and frigid temperatures. The blinding whiteness of the snow and the shimmering icicles that marred my path were easy to ignore when you were so utterly exhausted.

I wasn't tired, of course. That would be easier. This exhaustion was more cerebral – embedded in my bones. I was tired of walking. Tired of sitting. Tired of thinking.

And I was tired – so painfully tired - of living without her.

I stared at the highway sign, signaling the entrance to the state of Washington. If it were possible, I was sure my heart would be beating out of my chest with anticipation and sheer want. All I needed to do was take one step.

One step.

With one step, I could cross the boundary line into the state that encompassed everything I held dear in my life. With one step, I could be home.

She was my home.

It would be so easy to cross the line. To run through the forest and not slow my pace until I was standing beneath her window. I would listen with trained ears, seeking out her heartbeat. Her voice. Any indication that she was home and missing me, too.

But that fear – the fear that maybe, just maybe, she _wasn't_ missing me at all – was the only thing keeping me from taking that one step.

Perhaps she had moved on, just as I'd wanted her to do. Had she met someone new? Had her human emotions allowed her to forget me so easily and find solace with another?

The jealousy that coursed through me was so overpowering that my chest erupted with a ferocious roar. The visuals alone were enough to bring me to my knees. Another man touching her cheek. Another man holding her hand. Another man making her blush scarlet. Another man holding her….kissing her….

My vicious snarl dissipated into a soft whimper, because I knew she deserved exactly that. A _man_. An actual human who could touch her without breaking her. One who could make love to her without killing her. One who could give her babies. One who could grow old with her.

Wasn't that why I left in the first place? To _give_ her those things?

And that's when I realized there was something I could do to secure that future. I could give her _something_.

With a last wistful look at the state sign, I accepted my fate, turned south, and ran like the wind through the wintry Oregon night.

* * *

"I'm coming with you," Emmett announced as soon as I finally relented and accepted his call. He'd been calling me for the past two days, and I'd ignored his persistence until now.

"I see you've spoken with Alice," I grimaced. "And no, you aren't coming with me."

Em snorted. "Did you actually think Alice would see a vision of you tracking that redheaded bitch and not rally the troops? The whole family is ready to help you, Edward."

"No," I sighed into the phone. "I need to do this on my own."

"My God," Emmett grunted. "You and Bella are perfect for each other. I don't know which of you is more stubborn."

My heart clenched at the sound of her name. "I'd say it's a fairly even divide at this point," I ventured. "But this is my responsibility, Em. I will handle Victoria."

"We love her, too. Or are you forgetting that?"

"No, I haven't forgotten," I sighed. "I just…..I just can't be around my family right now, Emmett. Please let me do this on my own."

He sighed in resignation. "Alice says you're headed to Texas?"

Upon my arrival in Oregon, I'd caught Victoria's trail along a snowy covered bridge in the Willamette Valley. I'd followed the path southeast until her scent mingled with an unknown companion. Vampire, naturally, and I wondered if Victoria had found yet another mate. This seemed unlikely, but it was a certainty that Victoria hadn't been alone as she crossed the border into New Mexico.

"Yes, I'm just now entering the state," I admitted with a bit of hesitation. If Alice was watching my every move, she may be watching Victoria's, as well. Finding Victoria _would_ be so much easier with Alice's help…

"Em, Alice didn't happen to say…."

He chuckled. "She said – and I quote – 'if his stubborn ass wants my help, he's going to have to ask for it.'

I growled.

"Look, I hate to see you traipsing all over the country for this broad. If you won't let the rest of us help, at least let Alice point you in the right direction," Emmett reasoned.

"I'm perfectly capable of following a trail," I argued pathetically. "Your faith in me is astounding, really."

"Stop being such a fucking baby," he barked. "I don't doubt your abilities, dear brother. I just see no reason to search for the proverbial needle in the haystack. Let Alice help you. You know she's dying to."

I flipped the phone shut. Of course, Alice was dying to help. She was also dying to remind me that I'm being an idiot and that I'm forcing unnecessary misery on all of us - especially Bella. I was well aware of my failings. The last thing I needed was to hear my sister's constant reminders.

No, I would do this alone.

* * *

For the next few weeks, I followed the trail south and was feeling somewhat proud of my tracking abilities when I suddenly found myself in South America.

For the first time in months, I felt satisfaction. Victoria was far away from Forks – far away from all that I held dear – and I would have the pleasure of killing her soon enough.

I walked in the pale moonlight along the streets of Matupa, Brazil, impressed that a vampire with my limited tracking abilities had been able to follow Victoria's scent all the way from Oregon. It gave me a sense of purpose for the first time in months.

I _could _protect Bella. I _would_ keep her safe.

As dawn approached, I found shelter in a warehouse on the south end of the city. While searching the building, the distinct scent of human blood caused venom to pool in my mouth for the first time in weeks. Like the predator I am, I crouched and followed the scent. I rounded the corner to find two men speaking flawless Portuguese, loading the contents of a delivery truck.

For one brief second, I considered draining them dry.

They were the first humans with whom I'd had contact in months, and while their blood could never be compared to Bella's, my self imposed starvation made their blood seem _almost_ as delectable.

But just almost.

I held my breath and concentrated on their conversation, hoping that perhaps they were thieves. Or drug smugglers. Or murderers. Anything to appease my guilt for killing them. While another small, more rational part of my psyche hoped they'd provide me with some proof that they were decent men. Perhaps this knowledge would be enough for me to consider sparing their lives.

I listened intently and discovered they were discussing the joys of fatherhood. The tallest man, Joaquin, was a father of three children. His partner – Rafe – had a baby girl on the way. My heart ached as they talked about their beautiful wives and their adorable children. Foolishly, I allowed myself to imagine – just for a moment – a little boy with Bella's big, brown eyes. Or a daughter with her sweet, heart-shaped face. The visions of perfection swam behind my eyelids as I struggled to imprint them into my memory. To complete my torment, I allowed myself to imagine Bella – round with my child. The image was so mesmerizing that I dropped to my knees in quiet reverence.

"O que foi aquilo?" (_What was that?)_ Joaquin bellowed into the darkness of the warehouse.

Hungry no longer, I slinked deeper into the shadows, seeking refuge in a room no bigger than the bathroom in Bella's house. I closed the door behind me, knocked the spider webs out of my way, and crumpled against the concrete wall. I buried my head in my hands and growled, attempting to ignore the nagging mantra that had started playing with agonizing repetition inside my head.

Bella will have another man's child.

The grief was so blinding that I was sure that I'd found the one human emotion that could quite possibly end a vampire's life. Of course, I wanted this for her. I wanted her to have a normal, human life – and that normal, human life would surely include motherhood.

Of course I wanted that for her.

And it hurt like utter hell that I wouldn't be the one to give it to her.

The vibration of my cell phone interrupted my heartache, and without thinking, I checked the caller ID.

A text from Alice was awaiting me.

Sighing dejectedly, I flipped open the phone and read the message.

_~You're an idiot. Victoria was in Forks. Deal is off. I promised to stay out of Bella's life, but someone has to protect her. I'm keeping watch now. Are you ready to accept my help or will you continue being an ass?_

With a deafening roar, I kicked an empty box into the corner of the room. The cardboard disintegrated into dust as it collapsed onto the floor.

"She's right. You _are_ an idiot."

My head snapped in the darkness as my gaze settled on her beautiful form. She was sitting in the far corner of the room. Relief flowed through me, and my legs buckled beneath me as I slid down the stone wall. Our eyes locked, and I drowned in the intensity of her stare.

"I am an idiot," I agreed with a choked whisper.

"You've been all over this world," Bella chuckled, but I noticed the laugh was off. It was cold and accusing. "And all along, she was coming for me."

"I'm sorry," I whimpered. Her eyes flashed with anger, and I forced myself to accept her penetrating glare. Even if she was pissed, she was still _here_. I could still see her. I could still hear her voice.

"I'm not coming back," she snapped. "This is the last time you'll see me."

"NO!" I growled menacingly, but she didn't flinch. She just smiled – a dark, cunning smile. It wasn't Bella at all.

"You won't stay with me," she snarled. "Why should I stay with you?"

"Because……because I need you, sweetheart. I need you so much. Please don't leave me."

Bella smirked and flashed me an icy stare. "I needed you, too. But you left. So, I guess we'll both be disappointed, won't we?"

"Why are you doing this?" I murmured sadly. "You aren't my Bella. My Bella is sweet and forgiving and…."

"She isn't _your_ Bella anymore," the ghost whispered firmly. "But that's what you wanted, right? You wanted her to move on? To be human?"

I couldn't deny it.

"Y….yes," I stuttered. "That is what I want."

"You're such a liar," Bella's voice sneered. "But if that's what you want, that's exactly what you'll get."

And with one last flash of her chocolate eyes, Bella's image disappeared.


	6. February & March

**Disclaimer: SM owns **_**New Moon. **_**Assume the timeline for this chapter is from February into mid-March.**

* * *

I used to be my own protection, but not now  
Cause my path had lost direction, somehow  
A black wind took you away, from sight  
And held the darkness over day, that night

So now you're gone, and I was wrong  
I never knew what it was like, to be alone

"Valentine's Day" ~ Linkin Park

* * *

**FEBRUARY & MARCH**

True to her word, she never returned.

Unlike me, Bella's ghost always kept her promises.

I spent weeks running – constantly running – trying to create distance between us, foolishly hoping that time and space would ease the heartache I felt in every fiber of my being. I needed my strength to complete this task, so despite my misgivings, I forced myself to feed as often as I could, allowing the South American wildlife to sustain me – to offer enough nourishment to keep me running from my demons.

I yearned to forget. I ached to remember.

The conflict was driving me mad.

I found myself in Rio, surrounded by thousands of warm-blooded tourists as they snapped pictures and ate native cuisine. The thick fragrance of their blood caused venom to permanently pool in my mouth. By this time, I was numb to the craving of human blood - my self-preservation instincts were nonexistent.

I found refuge in a dark, attic crawl space on the top floor of a rotting apartment building. The stench wafting in the air from the rooms below was nauseating even to my steel stomach. I heard the shrill voices babbling in Portuguese mixed with some nuances of the Spanish language, and my head swam with the constant voices lurking in my head. Perhaps choosing a nasty Brazilian tenement wasn't the best idea, after all. But the sun was rising quickly, leaving me with very little choice but to slink through the nearest opening crevice in the first building I could find.

The low beams of the ceiling kept me horizontal for most of my stay. Gigantic rats and spiders made their way to greet their newest visitor. But, as most animals do, they scampered away from my line of vision and never returned. I spent the hours lying on my back, staring at the spider webs and watching with quiet, delusional amazement as the silk threads created various shapes and words.

When I could actually recognize the letters of Bella's name in one ornate spider web, I smiled in triumph, realizing my descent into madness was nearly complete. I closed my eyes, humming her lullaby and letting the notes center me.

"Why are you living like this?" Her voice whispered in the darkness.

I smiled, thrilled that my imagination could still summon her, even when I was in the deepest pits of my own personal hell.

I opened my eyes and turned my head to the side. She was lying next to me, this time wearing the blue prom dress that I'd loved so much. It still fascinated me – how that royal color could complement her ivory skin so perfectly. Her hair was cascading down to her shoulders, her chocolate eyes bright with love for me. Her head was turned in my direction, and we stared intently into each other's eyes for the longest time. My heart soared as she softly touched my hand, letting her silky fingers trail along my arm. Her touch was just as I remembered, and I felt the shackles of my heart loosen with each feather-light stroke of her hand.

I sighed in reverence. _This_ was my Bella.

"You needed me. So I'm here."

"I always need you," I whispered softly.

She nodded sadly. "You didn't answer my question. Why, Edward?"

I refused to blink, afraid her mirage would disappear if I dared close my eyes for a second. "I deserve to live this way, Bella. I deserve much, much worse."

"This is misery," she sighed.

I shrugged. "I'm miserable everywhere. The geography is unimportant." Her eyes flickered with emotion as I stroked her cheek with my hand. "I miss you so much, sweetheart. More than words can say."

She turned then, propping herself up on her elbow, never breaking my gaze. "You could come home to me, you know. We could pretend these months were just a bad dream. Pick right up where we left off. School is almost out. We could start our senior year together." She paused reflectively. "How many senior years would this be for you?"

I smiled. "Too many to count, my love. I stopped keeping track decades ago."

She nodded thoughtfully. "But it would be my first. And I want to share it with you. Graduate with you. I might even go to the prom with you if you asked nicely."

If there was any doubt this was a mirage, that last promise made it official. There was _no_ way Bella would ever agree to attend her senior prom. But I smiled at the ghost's negotiation tactics.

"I don't believe that," I grinned. "You hated our last prom."

"It wasn't so bad. At least I was with you."

I turned over, propping myself on my shoulder – a mirror image of her position. Her hand entwined with mine, and I reveled in the soft touch of her skin.

"Why don't you want to keep me forever?" She asked quietly, never looking away from my penetrating gaze.

"Nothing would make me happier. You know that."

She scooted closer, taking her hand from mine and tracing her fingers along the contours of my face. I melted against her touch and closed my eyes with pleasure.

"I want to be yours forever," she whispered softly, pressing her cheek against my face. "There could never be anyone else. You know that, don't you? I will never love again. I am yours. You are mine. I was made for you. Even distance and time won't change that."

I swallowed thickly as her fingertip brushed softly against my lips.

"I am yours," I murmured quietly. "Always and forever."

"Then why are you fighting this?" Bella asked as her hand found mine once again. "Come home to me. Make me yours. Forever."

"And what would you do if I came home to you?" I wondered with a whisper. "Would you forgive me?"

"I would," she admitted, squeezing my hand with her own. "Because I know there's no reason to fight this. Call it destiny. Or fate. I just know that I could survive without everything else in the world – as long as I knew I had you. As long as I know that you love me, I know I can handle anything. Don't you understand, Edward? I don't want a human life. I want to marry you. I want to live my life with you. I _cannot _have a life without you."

_I want to marry you._

The beautiful words thrilled me, causing a distinct sliver of hope to resonate through my bones. I wanted so badly to give in to what we both wanted. What we both needed. I was so tired of trying to force something that neither of us wanted. I shook my head, trying to remember my reasons for leaving her. For lying to her.

I had been so eager to give her a normal, human life.

But what if….

What if she wasn't capable of any sort of life without me?

Had I tried so hard to control every aspect of Bella's future that I was preventing her from actually living the life she was _meant _to live?

The idea stunned me. Since Alice revealed her first vision to me, I'd tried in vain to navigate the seas of Bella's fate. Perhaps I had been fighting a losing battle all along. I considered my parents. Esme and Carlisle loved each other with a passion that could rival any lovers – vampire or otherwise. Alice had known she was looking for Jasper before he even knew she existed. And Emmett and Rosalie were so different, yet so right, for each other.

I looked into Bella's eyes once again, surrendering to the belief that I was fighting a losing battle.

"Some things are just meant to be," Bella echoed my thoughts. "And I am meant to be yours. You know this. Don't you think it's time you embraced it?"

I felt my resolve slipping, and I welcomed the relief that flooded my veins. I could go home. She would forgive me. We could be together.

"What about your parents?" I asked, still unsure.

"They will miss me," she admitted with a sigh. "But that's life, isn't it? You lose the people you love someday."

"It doesn't have to be that way," I whispered softly. "Not for us. _We_ don't ever have to lose each other. Not ever."

Her smile was blinding, her eyes shining with adoration for me. Just for me.

"That's exactly right," Bella murmured gently.

And with her smile, I was healed. I was going home.

Elated, I reached for her. I would never leave her side again. Nothing would ever tear me away from her. I would speak with my family, and they would welcome her with open arms. We could work out the details later. All that was important now was that I was going home. To stay.

Her head tilted toward mine, and my eyes closed in anticipation.

Just as her lips brushed against mine, my cell phone began to vibrate in my pocket. Refusing to allow anyone to ruin this moment, I deftly ignored the vibration and leaned closer to her. But the constant noise became too distracting, and when I opened my eyes, Bella had disappeared.

"Damn it!" I growled, but comforted myself with the knowledge that I'd see her soon enough. The name on the caller ID surprised me. She was the only member of my family with whom I hadn't spoken since Alaska. Worried that something was wrong with my family, I quickly answered the phone.

"I'm honored," her voice snarled from the other end, and I knew immediately that nothing was wrong with my family. Rosalie was just calling to torment me, as usual.

"What do you want?" I rolled my eyes in the darkness. I walked toward the attic opening, wondering if it was too light for me to escape and begin my journey home.

"I thought you'd like to know that Alice is in Forks."

This surprised me. Alice had told me that she would be keeping an eye out for Bella, but I didn't expect her to go home.

"So?"

Rose scoffed. "Aren't you at all interested as to why she's there?"

"She's watching out for Bella. She and I have already had this discussion."

"Well, like you, she's done a horrible job of watching out for the girl." Rose's voice was gravelly. "But at least now you can come home."

"Planned on it," I admitted as I took one last look out the attic opening.

"Oh." Rose sounded surprised. "Really? Hmm. I would think Forks would be the last place you'd want to be. I mean, there's nothing really holding you there now."

My eyes narrowed. "Meaning?"

"The family doesn't want me to tell you, but I think that's stupid. The quicker you know, the quicker you can come home. The entire family is a mess. Esme is heartbroken. Carlisle keeps his nose in a book. Alice is completely out of her mind, which is killing Jasper. Even Emmett misses your ass. So…yeah. She's gone. You can come home now."

_She's gone?_

"Did Bella move away?"

I had considered the possibility that perhaps Bella would move to Florida with her mom. I just never seriously believed she'd leave Charlie. But this was good. She had always missed the sunshine. I could stay inside during the day. I'd do whatever I had to do….

"She didn't move, Edward. I never said she moved. I just said she's _gone_."

"I am so not in the mood for riddles, Rosalie Hale."

"Bella's _dead_, Edward," her voice shook. "She jumped off a fucking cliff two days ago. Alice saw it, but she was too late. So she's gone back to Forks to help Charlie with the arrangements…"

With those words, the world stopped turning.

_Bella's dead._

The words swam in my head, but I couldn't concentrate on them. There must be a mistake. I would know if she was dead. I would _feel_ it.

I could hear Rose's worried voice shouting my name through the phone, and I swiftly flipped the phone shut.

Rose was mistaken. That was the only explanation because my sister wouldn't be _this_ cruel. She could be a bitch, but she wouldn't knowingly lie about something like this.

In a daze, I dialed her number.

"Swan residence," a boy's voice answered. My eyebrows rose in confusion, but I cleared my throat and attempted Carlisle's formal dialect.

"This is Dr. Carlisle Cullen. May I speak with Chief Swan?"

"He's not here," the irritated voice spat at me.

"Well, where is he?" I replied impatiently.

"He's at the funeral."

And with that, he hung up the phone.

I whimpered as I fell to my knees, and the phone disintegrated in my trembling hands.

* * *

**Both phone conversations can be found on SM's official site in the New Moon extras. I did paraphrase a bit. I also had him crush the phone which is different from the book. In the book, Alice tried to call him and someone answered his phone for him. He'd left it in a garbage can in Rio. I thought it was a bit more dramatic, and maybe even a little more accurate, to have him destroy it.**

**Italy is next, and then an epilogue. We all know how it ends, but a reader wished to read a wrap-up from Edward's eyes, so I'm going to write that. Let me know what you guys think. Thank you for the support! Much love to my beta who keeps me sane.**


	7. Volterra

AN: Thanks for the continued support of this little angst fest. This chapter and an epilogue to go.

Disclaimers: Romeo and Juliet belong to Shakespeare. SM owns New Moon. I am using some direct quotes in this chapter.

* * *

_Now that it's over I just wanna hold her  
I'd give up all the world to see_

_That little piece of Heaven looking back at me  
Now that it's over I just wanna hold her  
I've gotta live with the choices I made  
And I can't live with myself today._

"_Lucy" ~ Skillet_

* * *

VOLTERRA

I gazed at the clock tower looming above and noticed a flock of birds perching on the edge. They seemed oblivious to the festivities below. Perhaps they were numb to the happy noise. Maybe they were colorblind to the glittering red capes that sheathed the shoulders of the happy people who gathered on the streets.

Like the birds, I was numb.

I was oblivious.

But I was also triumphant. This was, without a doubt, the easiest decision I had ever made.

Now if only I could convince Aro to grant my dying wish.

* * *

"What a lovely surprise," Aro acknowledged me in greeting. My eyes ghosted at Caius and Marcus – one of each at his side – and they nodded their welcome. "I trust Carlisle is well?"

"I'm sure he is," I replied mechanically. "I haven't spoken with him in a few weeks."

His thoughts were probing, but his centuries of practicing the art of good manners prevented him from verbally snooping.

"To what do we owe this pleasure?" Aro's voice was dripping with curiosity. Too distraught to formulate the words, I simply raised my hand in offering. A smile ghosted over his pale face, his crimson eyes shining brightly. He was excited to find me so willing to offer my deepest secrets to him. His hand caressed mine, and I closed my eyes as I allowed him to absorb my pain.

"I see," he whispered in astonishment. "It is obvious this….human…..was very dear to you. I am intrigued by your relationship with her. How difficult it must have been for you, subjecting yourself to her siren call, day after day. You are truly your father's son. What restraint! What self-control!"

"I loved her," I answered feebly. Speaking of my love for Bella in the past tense was the darkest words of blasphemy I'd ever uttered.

"Yes, I can see that. And now you wish to join her in the hereafter?"

I shook my head. "Bella is in heaven where she belongs. I am under no false pretense. Heaven's gates would never be opened for me."

"Then I fail to see…"

"Kill me," I begged with a whimper. I dropped my head, falling to my knees in despair. "Please….just….kill me. I don't care how you do it. I don't care if it's painful. I don't care if it's slow and torturous. Just please….don't make me live in a world where she no longer exists."

Aro gasped in surprise. "Extraordinary."

Caius and Marcus spoke in hushed tones, but Aro kept his eyes on me.

"A surprising request. But I am curious about something."

I remained on my knees, but I forced myself to look into his eyes. I was begging him to kill me, after all. I needed to be respectful.

"If Isabella was so important to you, why didn't you give her immortality? I can see that she was very….accepting….of your lifestyle. She loved you, just as you are. All of this pain and suffering could have been avoided. It seems like _such _a waste…"

"I loved her too much to inflict this misery on her," I whispered.

"I see," Aro smirked. "I'm curious, Edward. If you knew your love story would end this way – with your beloved throwing herself off a cliff and you, at my feet, begging to be put out of _your _misery – would you still have insisted on keeping her human?"

"Please, Aro….I'm begging you," I whimpered pathetically. Why wouldn't he just kill me already?

"What to do…" his voice whispered as he turned toward his brothers. "Your thoughts, gentlemen?"

Aro walked toward them as they discussed my death in quiet whispers. I could tell by their thoughts that they were bored with my story and were more than willing to watch him destroy me.

Aro, however, had other ideas.

"It seems such a waste," he repeated as he faced me once again. "Your gifts could be so very valuable to our family. Why don't you join us here in Volterra?"

"I'd much prefer you kill me."

"Such a waste…" His ivory face contorted with indecision. "I would like to take some time to consider your request."

"How long?" I growled impatiently.

"Twenty-four hours," Aro announced. "We have _much_ to consider."

I nodded to all three before I was escorted out the door and into the middle of the St. Marcus Day festivities. I found the nearest, darkest alley.

And I waited.

* * *

"I cannot believe you're denying me," I whispered angrily, my eyes shooting daggers at each of the vampires.

Aro smiled patiently. "You are much too useful to destroy, Edward. Surely you see the possibilities. Join us here."

"No."

Aro sighed resignedly. "What will you do now? Return to Carlisle? The prodigal son returning to the fold?"

"I won't leave you a choice."

"Don't be stupid," Caius warned, correctly guessing my mindset. "We won't be as patient if you force our hands."

I smiled triumphantly. "Your patience is the _last_ thing I desire. Good day, gentlemen."

I once again walked out into the sea of red capes, my eyes falling on the clock tower. I noticed the time.

_Of course…_

I was a little impressed that I was able to devise such a plan considering my lack of coherency. This was too simple, really. But effective.

I skulked back into the alley shadows.

And I waited for both hands on the clock to point north.

* * *

The fountain was shimmering with light from the overhead sun. The musings of the festival goers were easy to ignore as I slowly walked out of the alley, unbuttoning what was left of the white shirt that had been my faithful companion these many months. I let it fall to the ground as I gradually crept closer to the streaming light.

Finally, the clock tolled, signaling my opportunity. My chance to end my anguish – once and for all. Closing my eyes, I stepped out into the sunlight, oblivious to the warmth radiating on my naked skin.

I waited…and waited…

"Edward, look at me!"

Her voice washed over me in exquisite relief. I smiled softly and took one last step into the shining sun.

Suddenly, a warm body crashed into mine.

_Her body. _

Even with my eyes closed, I knew it was Bella in my arms. Instinctively, I wrapped my arms around her, holding her close to me. I opened my eyes in surprise.

"Amazing," I whispered in awe. "Carlisle was right."

Heaven did exist after all.

Unbelievably, paradise had opened its gates to me. There was no other explanation. It had to be heaven…

I was holding _her_ in my arms.

"Edward," her voice gasped. "You've got to get back into the shadows. You have to move!"

She was stubborn as ever. I brushed my hand softly against her cheek, reveling in the feel of her satin skin.

"I can't believe how quick it was. I didn't feel a thing. They're very good…" I closed my eyes and pressed my lips to her hair. "Death, that hath sucked the honey of thy breath, hath had no power yet upon thy beauty." She trembled against me, and I held her closer. "You smell just exactly the same."

For a moment I considered that I wasn't in heaven at all. It seemed unfathomable that God would truly offer me refuge. It mattered very little.

"So maybe this _is_ hell," I whispered, nuzzling her close. "I don't care. I'll take it."

"I'm not dead," her voice muttered. "And neither are you! Please, Edward, we have to move!"

She struggled in my arms, and I was perplexed.

"What was that?" I asked.

"We're not dead. Not yet! But we have to get out of here before the Volturi…."

I gazed down into her deep, chocolate eyes as comprehension flooded my senses.

_Bella was alive._

_I was alive._

_She was wrapped in my arms._

_I was wrapped in hers._

_And we were together._

* * *

I've been asked to write an epilogue, so I will do that in the next few days.

I have started a new story. It's actually a continuation of a one-shot I wrote a few months back. It's called "Waterfalls." Please check it out.


	8. Epilogue

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight universe. The quote **_**"True love is the soul's recognition of its counterpart in another" **_**is from the Wedding Crashers. This chapter's song is taken from the title of the story – which was shamelessly stolen from Red.**

_Then I'll see your face  
I know I'm finally yours  
I find everything I thought I lost before  
You call my name  
I come to you in pieces  
So you can make me whole._

"_Pieces" ~ Red_

* * *

**Epilogue**

I watched her lovely face as she slept peacefully in the dim moonlight. I was relieved that she was finally resting – her body and her mind finally finding solace in the quiet comfort of her bedroom. Afraid of waking her, but unable to resist, I gently brushed a lock of hair away from her face. It was obstructing my view of her face, and after living without it for the past eight months, my eyes were having a difficult time focusing on _anything_ but her.

My eyes had missed her beautiful smile.

My arms had ached to hold her.

My heart had shattered without her.

And she had made it whole again - simply by being my Bella.

To think I could live without her had been, by far, the most unintelligent decision I have ever made. Months ago, I had scoffed at Romeo's stupidity, but truthfully, my actions made the fictional hero seem like a genius.

Living without Bella was impossible. I had been ignorant in my belief that simply knowing she was moving on – living a normal, human life – would be all the comfort I needed. I had been so terribly foolish, and it had nearly destroyed us both.

Never again.

The past four days – not to mention the past eight months – had taken quite a toll on both of us, and I knew I would spend the rest of my days seeking her forgiveness and trust. Her father would probably never forgive me. But that was a risk I was willing to take.

Very little had transpired in my life while I had been away from her. I had merely trudged through my self-imposed agony, becoming a shell of the man – or monster – that I once was. But Bella was _different_. She was a little older. A little wiser. I had broken her heart; yet, despite that unforgivable act, she had risked her life to save mine. I was forever in her debt, and I would spend the rest of my days paying penance. She continued to insist that she forgave my stupidity, and somehow – miraculously – she still loved me.

She never failed to surprise me, but nothing could have prepared me for her sheer determination tonight when she had insisted on visiting my family and asking them to vote on the issue of her mortality – as if this circumstance was as simple as casting a ballot for some elected official. Bella had been steadfast in her desire to give my family a choice. None of their responses surprised me. Not even Rosalie's vote. I'd _wished _that Carlisle would have taken my side. Regardless of the other votes, I had hoped his decision would negate the rest. But my father's honest words resonated in my ears.

"_You have chosen not to live without her, and that doesn't leave me a choice."_

Once again, my selfish needs were putting Bella at risk. But this time, I was powerless to fight the inevitable. I loved her. It was truly that simple. While the monster inside of me craved to change her and make her my mate in every sense of the word, the more rational side was still intent on loving her for the rest of her human days. It was a battle the more rational side of my nature was going to lose. This was a certainty. But _when_ I was going to lose the battle was entirely undecided.

After my father promised to change her after our graduation, I threw Bella on my back and raced back to her house. While running, I contemplated my next course of action. I didn't want Carlisle to change her. She was _my_ mate, after all, and while I didn't want _anyone_ to change her, I would honestly prefer to change her myself. Deep down, I knew this was what she wanted, as well. But if she was this determined, I knew that I would only be able to stall her for so long before she finally coaxed a member of my family to do the deed. As I couldn't really see a way to change her mind, I did – in a rare moment of intelligence on my part – stumble upon a way to prolong the inevitable. A compromise, if you will.

I would change Bella myself – after she married me.

In my mind, this plan was solid as a means to delay her changing. She wanted me to change her, but Bella was deathly afraid of marriage. I understood why. Her parents hadn't exactly been the most positive of role models when it came to the sanctity of wedded bliss, and Renee had filled her head with silly excuses as to why girls should wait until they're at least forty to tie the knot.

So my plan had been two-fold. Asking for Bella's hand would secure time – because I knew that she was in no rush to get married – which, in turn, would alter her immortality deadline. But also, it would ensure the one thing I wanted more than anything in this world.

Bella would someday be my wife.

It may not be anytime soon. It may not be in the next few years. But someday, Bella would tell me she was ready to truly join my world - in more ways than one. And because I could deny her nothing, I would succumb to her wishes.

And to mine.

"You look contemplative," Bella's voice whispered in the early morning light. Surprised to find her awake, I caressed her cheek with my fingertip.

I smiled down at her. "Just thinking about your future."

"_Our_ future," she corrected with a soft smile.

"Of course, my love. Our future."

She snuggled deeper under the covers, and I resisted the urge to climb into bed with her. She was cold enough.

"What do you see?" Her voice was timid.

"For our future?"

"Yes," she whispered, her brilliant chocolate eyes gazing into my face.

Oh, how I had missed those eyes.

"I see my ring on your hand," I murmured, pulling her hand out from beneath the blanket and stroking her bare ring finger with my cold fingertip.

"Hmm. That hand…is it pale-white and ice-cold?"

I chuckled at her determination.

"No, you have to marry me first, remember? So I'll get to see my ring on your lovely, ivory, warm-blooded flesh. At least for a while."

"Edward, I want this," she whispered firmly, her voice etched with emotion.

I gasped.

"The ring? Really? Because I can run right home and get it. Nothing would make me happier than to slip that ring on your finger. Your father might shoot me, but I'm pretty fast…he'd have to be a sharp shooter to hit me…and even then he couldn't do any real damage…" I continued babbling excitedly.

Her eyes grew wide. Her voice frantic. "You mean you already have it?"

I nodded.

"How? When?"

"I've had it for a long time, Bella. Just let me run home real quick, and I'll explain everything…"

"No!" She practically shouted as she grasped my hand, and I heard Charlie's interrupted snores. She lowered her voice to a whisper. "I mean…that wasn't what I meant, exactly. It's not the ring I want. Not….not yet, anyway."

My face dropped. "Oh."

Her shaky hand caressed mine as she sat up against the headboard of the bed. "I just meant that I want this. I want you."

"As I want you," I replied softly as I leaned closer. I ran my hand along her cheek before very slowly pressing my lips against hers. We kissed innocently. Chastely. So unlike the way I really wanted to kiss her.

_All in good time._

"It won't be long," Bella whispered against my lips, "and then you won't have to be so careful with me anymore."

"Who's the mind reader now?" I murmured, teasing the corner of her mouth with my lips.

"It _is _becoming clearer," Bella giggled as she nuzzled the crook of my neck. "I wonder why that is?"

I inhaled the scent of her hair, allowing it to flood my senses and calm my desires.

"_True love is the soul's recognition of its counterpart in another,"_ I murmured against her hair. "You're my soul's missing piece, Bella. You've brought me to life. You've saved me, time and time again."

"You've made me whole," she whispered sweetly against my ear, causing a shudder to resonate throughout my body. She tossed back the covers and climbed into my lap, wrapping her legs around my waist and her arms around my neck.

"It's going to be great," Bella smiled at me. "You'll love me even more when I can run with you. Hunt with you. Spend forever with you. You'll see."

I pressed my forehead against hers. "I can't imagine loving you anymore than I do right now, but as it seems I fall in love with you a little more each day, you're probably right. But you don't have to convince me, sweetheart. I can't _wait_ to make you mine. Forever."

Her lips found mine in a hungry kiss, and I allowed myself to savor the multitude of emotions flowing through me as I returned her kiss with a force that I rarely demonstrated when she was in my arms. Pressing her against the mattress, I hovered just above her as our hands caressed each other in the most private of ways. I'd never allowed us to be _this_ close, but she needed to feel me. I was desperate to feel her. And I was sick of denying us the pleasure.

Our breathless gasps filled the air as our bodies intertwined…our hands and lips remembering and touching. Reconnecting and rediscovering. Exploring and loving. The feeling was electric, and seeing and hearing Bella panting beneath me, struggling to press her soft body closer to me, was sensory overload after a lifetime of self-denial and – now that I actually craved the touch of another – after a past year of careful, self-control.

"Touch me," she whimpered softly, biting her lip as her eyes bore into mine.

_Oh, how I wanted to touch her._

"Where, my love?"

"Everywhere…." Her voice was shaking with need. "Please…touch me everywhere…."

She had given me so much. Her heart. Her love. And very soon, her life.

I could surely give her this. I _would _give her this.

"You are my whole life," I murmured softly as I nuzzled her neck.

My lips sailed along the side of her neck, and I was emboldened to realize my bloodlust was quietly at bay. My mouth was filled with venom, but the thoughts of biting…feeding….draining….none of those hungers were foremost in my mind.

All I wanted was to worship her.

Bella writhed beneath me as my lips and hands traveled down her body, softly caressing her breasts underneath her shirt. I was fascinated to see how quickly her body responded to my feather touches. I felt empowered as I comprehended that I _could_ touch her in the most loving of ways without hurting her. Just to be certain, I glanced at her face, and her expression was nothing but pure bliss.

The realization was dizzying, and it only strengthened my resolve.

My hands dipped further, my icy finger circling her navel. I leaned down and blew cold air against her bare stomach. The moan that escaped her lips was the most glorious sound I'd ever heard.

"Do that again," I growled passionately as my marble lips placed soft kisses along her abdomen. She squirmed beneath me as my hand traveled between her thighs.

"Do…what….?"

She gasped as her legs opened in invitation.

"Moan for me, Bella. I want to hear you…."

"But….my father….."

"Long gone," I whispered against her stomach. "Showered, skipped breakfast, out the door in a flash…"

"Ohhhh…" she whimpered breathlessly. "Good thing you have super hearing."

I smiled against her skin as I tugged on her pajama bottoms, sliding them down her legs. I lowered my head, kissing her thigh as I took a moment to gauge my control. She was so close to me…and so bare….

I could do this. I _would _do this.

"Please, Edward….." Her pleas were soft whimpers as my nose nuzzled the cotton of her panties. I blew another stream of cold air – this time against her core – and I was rewarded with another magnificent moan that nearly drove me wild. Too afraid to actually touch her beneath her panties for fear that I'd lose every last bit of self-control I possessed, I softly brushed my fingertip along the outside of the fabric.

She bucked against my hand, and it was all I could not to rip my own clothes away and give her what we've _both _desperately wanted for so long.

But my saner – the more coherent portion of my mind – knew this wasn't the time.

And quite frankly, when we did make love, I wanted to make love to my _wife._

But for tonight, I could still touch her. I could still feel her.

And I could still bring her pleasure.

* * *

"I missed you so much it hurt. Physically, deep in my soul, searing pain. Nothing could make the pain go away."

"I'm so sorry, Bella." I placed soft kisses along her cheek. "I was so lost without you. So…completely despondent. I will _never_ leave you again. And I know my word isn't very trustworthy right now, but if you just give me time, I promise you'll see…." I nuzzled her hair and inhaled her strawberry shampoo. "I swear – somehow, someway – I will win your trust again."

She nodded thoughtfully. "We healed a little tonight, didn't we? Being so close…closer than you've ever allowed."

"Yes," I murmured as I gazed into the eyes that had haunted me for the past eight months. The reality was so much better than the visions in my head. "The healing has begun. For both of us."

We kissed softly until Bella's eyes began to grow heavy. I lay back against the sheet and pulled her tightly against my side.

"Sleep now, sweetheart. I'll hold you."

"And you'll never leave…"

Her voice was just a whisper as she snuggled against my chest. I wrapped my arm around her, allowing her warm body and her sweet scent to consume me.

"I'll never leave," I promised, pressing a kiss to her forehead. Within moments, she was fast asleep.

We had a long road ahead of us. Senior year was approaching, and while I'd had enough senior years to last a lifetime, this would be Bella's first – and I wanted her to enjoy every moment of it. I knew I wouldn't coax her into attending another prom, but I looked forward to the other aspects – watching her walk across the stage as she accepted her diploma, choosing a college, wearing my ring…

_Our future._

The place where we could love each other…

Passionately.

Completely.

Eternally.

~The End~


End file.
